I'm Having Problems With My Pants
by Katie and Danielle
Summary: Marvin of Marvin Gardens wrote, “This fic had me laughing, crying, shouting, and pooing in my seat all at once. I highly recommend it to those who are constipated.”


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Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made (THOUGH WE WISH THAT THERE WAS – WE'RE BROKE) and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. (WE DON'T INTEND TO INFRINGE COPYRIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE TOO CHEAP TO AFFORD A LAWYER IN CASE WE GET SUED.)

**Summary: **Basically, this story was written when we were slightly giddy on about ten sodas and other various types of junk food. To put it briefly, our original title was "Harry Potter and the Random Orgies of Hogwarts." However, that title was too dirty and not really that funny. This story is silly, odd, and ridiculous to the extreme. Read it if you dare to be amused.

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**I'm Having Problems With My Pants**

Written by Katie and Danielle

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It was the second day of term. Yes, we said it, the _second_.

Harry Potter was sitting in his dormitory, playing with his favourite toys, (a pair of turkey flavoured socks and a cheese ball), when all of a sudden Ronald Weasley sauntered in. He was wearing his normal Hogwarts robes, which were decorated with black silk and lacy trimmings, in case you didn't know.

All of a sudden, his each of his eyes turned as big as a sponge.

"HARRY! Why are you playing with MY stuff?"

"I'm not!" shouted Harry. We bought these TOGETHER, Ron! That means we SHARE them!"

In response, Ron promptly slumped to the ground and began to giggle like a sirloin steak. Harry just rolled his eyes.

"RONALD!"

It was Luna Lovegood, rushing to the scene in a lovely purple turban once belonging to the ex-professor Quirrel. We don't know how she acquired this article of smelly clothing.

She rushed to his side, a trail of loo paper clinging desperately to her left heel. She was barefoot, of course. And bare everything else, now that you mention it.

Ron did not flinch at her naked appearance, as he was sure it was just his sister in a blonde wig.

"Gin-Gin! Not right now, dumpling poo pie, I'm with my man-honey now."

"It's me, Ronald! Luna! Your girlfriend." Luna bubbled as happily as a teacup.

Harry, who was extremely embarrassed, (we would be too, if we saw Ron talk dirty to his sister), turned as crunchy as a burnt ham.

"Oh... I wonder where my clothes went..." pondered Luna as she peered down at her naked body. "I must have left them with Ginny and Hermione..."

At the mere thought of what the three girls might've been up to together, Harry's eyes bulged out of his head like a twin pair of boiled eggs.

He jumped up and fled from the room clutching his bottom (we would've assumed that he would be clutching his front, but we guess that's not the way Harry works).

As soon as the dust particles from Harry's speedy departure settled, Luna turned to Ron and started to stroke his eyeball sensuously.

"Oh yeah! That turns me on, baby!" Ron growled and pounced on her.

Upon arriving at the broom closet where the girls just happened to be frolicking, Harry dived out of his clothing and cannonballed in with a whooping scream.

"Time to get retarded, ladies, because the beast master is ready to ride!"

Monkey noises emerged from his nose like hair protruding from Professor Snape's earlobes as Harry tickled the leg nearest to his greedy hands.

"HARRY POTTER! You _pervert_!"

Suddenly, a wand-light flickered and Harry stared into the blinking eyes of Cho Chang, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, and Albus Dumbledore.

Dumbledore was still scowling and rubbing his left leg where Harry had eagerly tickled him. "Harry, you've got to do it like this..." Hermione said matter-of-factly as she grabbed his wrist and began scratch her leg with his fingernails.

"You should listen to Hermione, Harry... she knows all the secrets...if you know what I mean..." Ginny said knowingly. The other two nodded in agreement.

All of a sudden, Harry was swamped in a mad heap of bodies. "DOGPILE! I call top!" Cho Chang shouted out, wiggling her ears frantically.

"Oh god," thought Harry. "I'm about to be smushed like a toe fungus in Minerva McGonagall's ballet slippers..."

After a long session of eyeball rubbing, Ron was sweating profusely from the soles of his feet. Luna began to slowly massage Ron's flabby stomach with the tips of her toes.

"Ow! Don't you _ever_ cut your toe nails?" Ron complained.

"No, you silly freckled leprechaun! I am all natural!" Luna chorused happily.

Before Ron could respond, a loud high-pitched feminine giggle emitted from behind the curtains of Seamus's bed nearby.

"Hello? Anyone in there?" Ron called out curiously. Another giggle was the only response.

Luna and Ron crept slowly towards the swishing curtains of the bed next to theirs and pulled them roughly aside.

There lay Hagrid, dressed in a French Maid's outfit, intertwined with Dobby the house-elf. Due to Dobby's lack of any clothing at all, it was now safe to assume he was indeed male, as many had previously thought.

Hagrid squeaked loudly as he pulled up his skirts and skipped away, a pair of pink knickers dangling from his earlobe. Dobby whimpered pathetically as he struggled to poke his legs into an unwilling pair of trousers. "I'm having problems with my pants."

"What a pansy," Ron muttered as he randomly poked at his eyebrows with Luna's elbows.

"I thought he didn't wear any pants..." Luna wondered aloud.

Harry reappeared in the dormitory, clutching a Louis Vitton purse. An unwrapped tampon dangled out of his lips like a Cuban cigar.

"Hi Ron!" He shouted cheerfully as he rummaged through the purse for his favourite lipstick. Harry looked up and saw Luna and Ron sitting in a cardboard box licking each others' noses.

"OH MY GOD! I am so sorry...I'll just be, er...going now..."With one final glance at the inspiring scene that lay before him, Harry cart-wheeled out of the room.

**The End **... or is it?

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**Authors' Notes:**

Surprisingly, this fanfiction of epic proportions was completed in the span of a mere hour.

The two authors, world-famous for their creative genius and complex, sophisticated plotlines, are very pleased with their latest (and first) published work. Any spare change that can be donated to the "Starving Authors Living in the Basement Fund," (ie: us) should be emailed to the authors. They like large and generous cheques so don't be stingy.

**Marvin of Marvin Gardens wrote**, "This fic had me laughing, crying, shouting, and pooing in my seat all at once. I highly recommend it to those who are constipated."

**St James of St James' Place wrote**, "I think that anyone who wants a place in heaven should read this fic or else... you're doomed!! (Evil laughter)"

**Santa Claus wrote**, "You really should read this one, boys and girls! I see you when you're sleeping, you know..."

**Spud the Potato Head wrote**, "I watched them as they spun this tale from their amazing imaginations. This is one story I'll be telling to my grandspuds for generations and generations."

**Max the Baby wrote**, "bhjyukgg0g.g.g0g0g a r oo0.m," which really means, "I love poo!" but we know he liked it anyways. The story, we mean.

**Katie and Danielle**


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